Red eyes. Small tears rolling across the face, small whispers. Whispering so subtle you could mistake it for wind. So subtle you could mistake it for the leaves ruffling on their branches.
Stars blazing in the sky. The grass is recently cut, leaving the almost bittersweet smell in the air, and prickling feelings on the skin. The night is surprisingly starry, almost like the stars are dancing a slow party we mortals can’t see, worthy of Van Gogh.
The breeze is blowing lightly, exploring every curve of my face, leaving goosebumps on my skin and leaving a cold feeling on my face. Even though there are all these small, almost inexistent details composing the moment, I will only remember the realization of a much crude truth.
The sinking feeling of my heart in my body, and yet, the freeing feeling.
It should not have happened. This feeling should not have happened. Yet, life did find a way. Did something break over the realization? Yes. Nevertheless, something did click into place.
Oh my god.
The stars are staring back, daring me to finish my train of thought. Daring me to admit the truth, daring me to accept the truth. Daring me to do so many things, I do not know if I am capable of doing so.
Will this simple act break me all over and make me regret it?
My legs start whining for being in that position for many hours, my hands start cracking for doing the same thing, my eyes start swelling up as it tries to keep itself moist, my back starts to burn up with pain. Yet, I do not want to leave here. It is too peaceful to break the magic moment. There is no sound worthy of attention, there is no sound distracting me. It is almost as if absolute silence has taken over the world.
My heart is afraid of letting my mind enter its home; enter its vacancies and explore every detail that there is to explore. To revolve around things, feelings.
While I stare at this starry landscape, my mind is trying to find a back door into my heart. It’s trying to find some way to gain trust, but my heart is like a scared deer that met his hunter.
There is the stare. The mental battle over a single stare. There is no physical weapon, there is no movement. The time freezes. The universe is that only stare in which you can see and smell the fear, see the discomfort and feel the challenge. The hearts stop beating and yet, it feels like it’s trying to break over ribs to free itself. This second seems to take an eternity to pass over, to finish the inevitable match.
After a few heartbeats, the match is over in the blink of eye.
The brain, the mind, the thinking matter wins. It broke down the back door and rapidly, as if someone entered a room for first time, glances around, trying to find what matters most, trying to understand what this all means.
My hand stops moving. The cracks give its space to silence. There is no ringing in my ears, yet I know there is. My brain is squirming under the pressure of silence. The starry sky seems to be exploding in colored lights like a firework show. Yet, the stars are still in their place, daring me to admit it. Daring me to give the shot to the deer. Daring to rip off the band aid. Daring to accept the truth. Daring to face the consequences.
I close my eyes, hoping to find the darkness, but all I find are memories. Small moments captured in the sequence of blink of eye like slow stop motion. I open them, the stars are still there. There is only one feeling holding the attention of my body and brain.
It was a trap, the deer won in the end.
I accepted the truth.
I fell in love with somebody I shouldn’t have, twice, and I don’t care. Yes, I don’t care. I don’t need your love. I don’t need your acceptance. I need the freedom that my heart is craving. I need to love myself.
Yet, my heart is burning to roar across lavender camps. My heart wants to burn down mental barriers.
My heart wants to explore the beauties of the world. To explore each and every mountain. To know every star there is to know. To smell every perfume there is to smell. To appreciate those new sounds that make my body flutter with happiness and realization. To feel every texture, to appreciate the roughness of leather and the smoothness of skin. To feel every scar, every feeling, every sound wave. To taste the juices of berries and the bitterness of lemons. To taste the feeling of your mouth. To taste loves and heartbreaks.
But my heart is burning inside a rib cage. Its lightness can’t go far.
I close my eyes again. This is becoming too much to bear. I know the starry sky is still there, I know the ground is still below me, but I’m not feeling any of them.
I open my eyes and I know what I must ask you, but maybe I’ll leave the question in the silence of the stars:
Darling, will you free my heart?